02:08pm

Sunday 19th October 2014 6:47pm

First entry.

I’m hoping to write entries as often as possible, to be able to look back on them one day and reflect. Truthfully, I’m a little lost. Perhaps it’s because I’m 17 and have so many options ahead of me that I just don’t know which ones to choose; the path of high wages, long hours and stressful, sleepless nights or the simple path of low wages, short hours, and happiness… I’m trying to map out my feelings but it’s confusing even me.

Let’s start by going over what it is that I want in life. Hmm, even since I was a child I had no dreams. I told myself a doctor would be an ideal occupation but that was before I realised how much work was needed and how much stress such a job gives you, so, Pass. Of course I want a high paying job… Or do I just want money? That’s more like it. I’m lazy and unmotivated and impatient. I want results asap, even before working towards them. I have no talents or skills that I am proud of. Nothing special. I’m of above average intelligence which is what’s made me survive these 17 years, I guess.
I don’t know. What do I want? I really don’t know… I want to be free, not bound to obligations and rules. What kind of high paying job offers such freedom?
I keep telling myself that whatever job I get, be it minimum wage part time cleaning or high end heart surgery that as long as I am happy i have made it in life. But this isn’t true. Should I get a job that pays less that 30k a year I’ll consider myself a failure. I won’t truly be happpy, despite telling people I am. Odd, that.

I really don’t know what I want other than freedom to travel the world, to wake up as early or as late as I wish, to eat as much as I want, to go on late night drives and walks in cities, to be able to spend my time alive as being free, relaxed and, well, just happy.

I don’t know how I’m to achieve these wishes, but I guess I’ll try, they’re not impossible. They’ll only become impossible once I start telling myself they are.

I’ll leave this entry on this note.